Lane Sarasohn - Sample Writings

RICARDO

Written for "Into the Night"
(Hosted by Richard Belzer, ABC)
(LAMPOON OF "GERALDO")

UP ON: WIDE SHOT OF THE SET OF "RICARDO." THERE ARE FOUR UNUSUAL PEOPLE SITTING IN CHAIRS ON THE STAGE

ANNOUNCER VO
From Hollywood, California, the weirdo
capital of the world, it's the "Ricardo" show.
Starring that hard-hitting journalist, Ricardo
Hererra..
SFX: MORE APPLAUSE, HOOTS, AND WHISTLES

CUT TO: RICARDO, WITH HAND- MIKE, IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE.
RICARDO
I am Ricardo. And welcome to the show.
CUT TO: PAN OF GUESTS. CAMERA PAUSES ON EACH AS WE HEAR THEIR CREDENTIALS. FIRST IS DONALD MACK, A MEAN-LOOKING SKINHEAD IN BLACK T-SHIRT, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS.
RICARDO (CONT'D)
This man burns crosses and paints swastikas
for a living. He's a professional bigot. Last
year business was so good he started his own
company, and now, hate is making him rich.
SFX: BOOS AND APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE

CAMERA PANS TO PHYLLIS BRENT, A BEAUTIFUL BUT SEVERE LOOKING WOMAN IN AN UGLY BROWN SUIT
RICARDO (CONT'D)
Phyllis Brent is President of the National
Organization of Women Who Hate Men. She
and her group are in favor of universal
castration. And she says, if time permitted,
she'd do it herself.
SFX: APPLAUSE, BOOS, HOOTS AND HOLLERS FROM AUDIENCE

CAMERA PANS TO J. EDWARD RANK, A ROTUND BUSINESSMAN IN A LOUD SPORTS JACKET, OPEN NECK SHIRT AND GOLD CHAINS
RICARDO (CONT'D)
Next, the author of "The Connoisseur's Guide
to Animal Pornography." He claims that
animal pornography is normal and natural and
protected under the Bill of Rights.
SFX: MORE APPLAUSE AND BOOS FROM AUDIENCE

CAMERA PANS TO THE FOURTH PERSON ON THE PANEL, PAULA ANN SUGGS, VERY PRIM AND PRETTY IN A FLORAL DRESS
RICARDO (CONT'D)
And, from Wichee-Wachee Springs, Florida
- a housewife, a mother, a church-goer, a
PTA member and the Grand Dragon of the
National Organization of Women Who
Worship Men, Paula Ann Suggs!
SFX: MORE APPLAUSE, LOUDER BOOS FROM AUDIENCE

CUT TO: FOUR SHOT OF THE PANELISTS.

RICARDO (CONT'D)
These are the people you our viewers
selected for today's special edition: "Ricardo's
Most Obnoxious Guests"
MATTE: "RICARDO'S MOST OBNOXIOUS GUESTS"

CUT TO: RICARDO FACING HIS GUESTS, BEGINS WITH THE SKINHEAD BIGOT, WHO LOOKS LIKE A GOON, AND ACTS LIKE ONE
RICARDO (CONT'D)
Donald Mack, you look like a pretty bright
guy. A savvy guy, a guy from the streets. A
guy who's come up the hard way, made lots
of money. Like me. I'm from the streets. I
respect that.
DONALD MACK
Mr. Hererra, I gotta desecrate a cemetary
this afternoon.Could you get to the point?
RICARDO
I was just about to.
      ( PAUSES, BUT CAN'T REMEMBER)
But first, let's meet our next guest. She hates
men: Miz-z-z-z Phyllis Brent.
SFX: APPLAUSE AND BOOS FROM AUDIENCE
RICARDO (CONT'D)
Welcome to the show, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
You're a jerk, Ricardo.
RICARDO
Hey, Phyllis, I'm in charge here. Let me ask
my question first, okay?
PHYLLIS
Sure. Go ahead.
RICARDO
Isn't it possible the reason you hate men -
now,don't get me wrong, you gals have some
legitimate gripes - child care, the glass ceiling
thing, all that - but, isn't it possible that you,
personally, have just never met the right kind
of man? A really manly man?
PHYLLIS STARES DAGGERS; RICARDO SMOOTHES HIS MOUSTACHE
PHYLLIS
You're a jerk, Ricardo.
RICARDO
Okay, enough with the name calling. My next
guest is a pervert, a pornographer, a
sub-human piece of slime, a guy I don't even
want to talk to. And I'll be honest about this,
America, I think animal pornography is
wrong. And I am not going to back down on
this one.
SFX: APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
ED RANK
Can I just say one thing, Ricardo?
RICARDO
Go ahead, you stinking, steaming, vile,
repulsive heap.
ED RANK
I loved your book.
TAKEN BY THE COMPLIMENT, RICARDO LOSES HIS RANCOR
RICARDO
Did you really?
ED RANK
I thought it was extremely well written.
RICARDO
Well, thank you. For those of you who don't
know what this gentleman is talking about,
I've recently written my autobiography.
 
It's called "Overexposing Myself". It's about
my days as a hard hitting journalist - and a
hard hitting ladies man. And I recommend it
highly.
SFX: APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE
RICARDO
Finally...
ED RANK
Excuse me, Ricardo?
RICARDO
What is it?
ED RANK
That stuff in the book about you fondling
Bette Midler -- true?
RICARDO
Of Course. Every word. Now Paula, you got
more hate mail than anybody. Why?
RICARDO
Of Course. Every word. Now Paula, you got
more hate mail than anybody. Why?
PAULA
I don't know why, Ricardo. Is baking a pie
every day some kind of a crime?
SFX: BOOS AND JEERS FROM AUDIENCE
Is keeping one's marriage romantic some sort
of sin?
SFX: MORE BOOS AND JEERS FROM AUDIENCE
Is abstinence from sex outside of
marriage such a bad idea?
SFX: MORE BOOS AND JEERS FROM AUDIENCE
RICARDO
I don't know. Let's ask the panel.
ED RANK
Personally, I'm against it, Ricardo.
RICARDO
It figures. How about you, Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
Abstinence won't cut it. Kill all the men and
let God sort them out.
DONALD MACK
Amen to that.
RICARDO
Well, Paula, looks like you are a minority of
one.
SFX: APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE
RICARDO (CONT'D)
And that's the wonderful thing about America
- that when someone like Paula Anne Suggs
steps forward with some mindless, simplistic
intellectual crap trying to pass itself off as an
alternative to feminism...
PAULA ANN SUGGS COMES UP BEHIND RICARDO AND HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR.
PAULA SUGGS
I hate this show. And I hate you.
SFX: AUDIENCE BOOS AND CHEERS

PAULA SUGGS STORMS OFF. PHYLLIS IS TRYING TO HANG ED MACK BY HIS CHAINS. DONALD IS CARVING HATE INTO THE BACK OF HIS LEFT HAND. RICARDO IS ON THE FLOOR
RICARDO
Don't forget: tune in tomorrow when our
focus will be "Jews who pretend they're
Puerto Ricans."
RICARDO IS HIT BY ANOTHER CHAIR. HE PULLS OUT A NOSE BANDAGE AND PUTS IT ON
And next Monday: "People who say they've
slept with Bill Clinton." Should be quite a
turnout.
FADE OUT.